


Lonely Halloween Nights

by dip_the_pip



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Halloween, M/M, Phandom - Freeform, Relationship Issues, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-21 04:22:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19995790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dip_the_pip/pseuds/dip_the_pip
Summary: They spend some time apart after Halloween





	Lonely Halloween Nights

The door swings open and his mum is standing there, and the way she immediately looks behind him makes his stomach churn.

“Hello, love. Good trip?” She pulls him into a tight embrace and he melts into her, letting his bag drop to the ground as he wraps his arms around his mum. She smells warm, safe, comforting. She’s everything he needs right now.

“Long as usual, but nice overall.” He nods as she pulls away, her hands holding his shoulders.

Kath smiles softly and lets her eyes scan her sons face. “You look exhausted child. Come in,” She steps back into the house and lets Phil bring in his bag.

He pokes his head into the living room and says a quick hello to his dad before going upstairs to the bedroom he usually stays in when he visits. Once his parents moved out of their old home, they didn’t bother to give him and Martyn their own rooms, and instead let them choose which guest bedroom they’d like when they visited.

He closes the bedroom door behind him and leans against it, closing his eyes and letting out a long, slow breath. He tosses his bag off to the side and pushes off the door, toeing off his shoes into the corner before going to sit on the bed.

It’s not his duvet. It doesn’t smell familiar. But maybe that’s what he needs right now. Nothing familiar. Nothing safe and comforting. Maybe he needs this. He doesn’t think he does, but he hasn’t really been given a choice.

Phil pulls out his phone and unlocks it, letting his eyes linger on home screen picture. They were stuffed into one of those horribly tiny bunk beds on the tour bus and was taken with an unflattering front flash. He tries not to focus on himself too much, knowing his wrinkles, or “smile lines” as everyone else calls them, are prominent in the horrible selfie. But Dan on the other hand looks perfect as always. Cheeks rosy, hair curly, and slightly darker bags under his eyes than months before the tour. Phil loves it. They worked hard for those bags, though he knows Dan hates them. They’re the result of restless, anxiety-filled nights for the both of them. They could’ve made a movie franchise worth of ‘Sleepless nights with Dan and Phil’ if they really wanted to, though Phil figures their audience wouldn’t like videos of them in distress, especially if its _about_ their audience. And their show. And a million other unexplainable things.

Phil clicks on his text messages and answers a few texts from childhood friends that he was planning on meeting up with. He manages to hold a few conversations before he can’t help himself anymore, and opens his messages with Dan.

There are no new messages within the last 4 days. That hurts, but he knew that wasn’t going to change. Dan hasn’t replied to his texts in eve longer, their conversation mostly full of Phil’s blue bubbles, with very few grey bubble replies, or really short grey replies from Dan.

It shouldn’t hurt, but it does. It doesn’t matter that he’s a grown-ass man, he’s allowed to hurt.

_Made it home. Hope ur ok_

He isn’t going to get a reply, he knows that much. He chucks his phone on the bed and goes into the upstairs bathroom, splashing his face with cold water. He looks up into the mirror, and he isn’t a typically violent guy, but he just wants to punch his reflection.

He makes his way downstairs and into the kitchen where his mum is preparing him a coffee.

Kath looks up and smiles warmly at him before pointing over to the dining table. “Made some cakes love, help yourself.”

“Thanks mum.” He goes and sits at his regular spot and grabs a treat, breaking off small pieces and eating it slowly.

“Need to talk about it, Philly?” She looks over at him, and he wishes it was acceptable to curl up in his mum’s lap and cry and whine like when he was a child.

Instead, he shakes his head and wipes away a few crumbs. “I’m okay. Gonna head out with some mates in a bit, I think.”

“Mart and Corn are coming tomorrow, correct?”

Phil nods. “Yeah. I think they were going to the office Halloween party tonight.”

Kath chuckles and picks up the two mugs, walking to the table and sitting in across from her youngest son. It’s usually Martyn’s seat. She pushes a cup of coffee towards him and holds her own mug in her hands. “Office party? Shouldn’t you be there too, then?”

“I don’t really work in the office, though. Corn does, Martyn a lot of the time too, but there’s no reason for me to be there. It wouldn’t feel right going to the office party.” He shrugs a little, sipping at scolding coffee. It burns, it really does, but he can’t help but take another painful sip.

“Is uh, is _he_ going?”

Phil chuckles, though it comes out flatter than intended. “No, Dan isn’t going either. I mean…he could be. I don’t…I don’t really know, mum.”

Kath shakes her head a little bit, her heart hurting for her baby. “Did he say when he’d be back?”

“No.” His grip on mug tightens, and he almost afraid he’ll shatter it. “But he isn’t required to tell me that. He’s his own person. He’s allowed to bugger off wherever he wants to for however long he wants to.”

He hears his mum take a deep breath, and then feels her hands covering his around his mug. “You know you’re welcome here as long as you need.”

“Thanks, mum.” He gives her a tight smile before she moves her hands back towards herself, and he takes another sip of coffee. “I think I’m gonna go finish this in bed, answer a few emails, and nap before I head out tonight.”

“Will you be having dinner here?”

“Not tonight, we’re going to grab food while we’re out.”

“Alright my child, go rest up.”

Phil gets up from the table and goes around to where she’s sitting and leans down to peck her cheek. He grabs a few biscuits before heading upstairs with his coffee.

When he closes the door behind him, his chest feels tight, like he just can’t get enough air into his lungs. His head is starting to hurt, too, and all he wants to do is curl up under his grey, Dan-scented duvet back home, even though it’s starting to lose the smell of him.

Phil walks towards the bed and sets his coffee and cookies down on the night stand before grabbing his bag and digging out his laptop and charger. He gets set up in bed with pillows and blankets and starts up his laptop. He eyes his phone which is now at the foot of the bed facing downwards. It’s so, so, _so_ tempting to grab it. Phil wants to think he’s strong enough to resist that urge, but he’s only human.

He sets his laptop on the nightstand with his treats and drink and reaches down for his phone. His heart feels like it’s about to beat out of his chest as he finally flips it over. His lock screen lights up, showing his neon eevee lock screen picture. There are a few notifications, and he wishes he could just turn off his phone and ignore them, but he’s a people pleaser, he wants to be a good person.

He answers a few messages, and then goes into his and Dan’s conversation. The little ‘ _read’_ note and timestamp hurt. Dan had read the message only minutes after he sent it.

Phil knows it’s useless, but he rings Dan.

And it rings.

And rings.

And rings.

Until it goes to Dan’s voicemail. Phil knows Dan rarely ever checks his voicemail, unless it’s his grandmother or mum, but maybe he’ll listen this time.

“Hey. Shit, uh, I hope you’re doing okay. I made it to mums,” His chest feels tight again, tears feel close. He swallows thickly and clears his throat. “If you plan on heading back to the flat, there’s leftover pizza in the fridge. If you’re not in London well, I guess the fridge is gonna smell horrendous when I return,” he pushes out a laugh, but he feels close to breaking. “I’m heading out with some friends tonight. Mart’s gonna be here tomorrow.” He closes his eyes tight, tears threatening to spill over. He rubs the back of his neck, taking a deep breath.

“I love you. I really do, Dan. I hope you’re doing okay. I…I hope you’re safe. I know you, well both of us I guess, need this.” Fucking lie. Phil knows he doesn’t need this or want this. He hates it. Everything is a fucking disaster. “I know you’re not like, my property or anything like that, but it’d really put my mind at ease knowing…at least knowing you’re safe…” He picks at a loose thread on the duvet. He knows he needs to wrap it up. He desperately doesn’t want to.

“Mum says hi and that she misses you. I’m sure dad would say the same, haven’t talked to him much yet though. I uploaded the spooky week episodes and have them scheduled to post. I alternated days they’ll tweet from our accounts. If you can, reply to some people after the video. I’ll do my best too while I’m away.” Why can’t this be easier? “Alright, well, I’m heading out. I love you. Shoot me a text when you can. Or want. Seeya, Dan.”

Phil finally hangs up and tosses his phone back down to the foot of the bed. He leans back against his pillows and closes his eyes, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. He tries his best to keep his breathing even, wanting the tears to subside so he can actually get some work done.

One final deep breath gets caught in his throat, and the dam breaks. His chest caves in and his palms push against his eyes as he sobs brokenly. He draws his knees to his chest, wanting to be small enough to disappear. Anything else is better than how he’s feeling. Does he even know how he’s feeling?

He just feels lost. Broken. Alone.

He feels like his heart is being beaten repeatedly like a boxer’s punching bag.

And Dan was always better at boxing than he was.

\--

Phil has a little cry until his chest is sore and his eyes are burning. He gets up and removes his contacts and then gets back into bed with his glasses on.

His coffee is cold now, but he still manages to nibble on the fresh cookies as he replies to a few emails. After a little while he gives up and puts on an episode of The Office and lets himself drift to sleep.

He’s woken up a few hours later to his phone ringing. It’s muffled, and seems distant and almost non-existent, until he rolls over a bit and the duvet is pulled off of the phone.

He sits up and grabs his glasses from the nightstand before reaching down and grabbing the loud phone. His stomach sinks when he sees that it’s not Dan returning his call, and instead, it’s one of his mates that he’s going out with later that night.

He answers and chats for a few minutes, getting info on where they’re heading out for the night and what the plans are. When they end the call, Phil goes straight to his notifications. His heart speeds up when he sees Dan’s name, and he clicks into the message. It’s short, choppy, emotionless.

  1. _ive got 2nites vid._



It’s better than nothing, Phil figures. No matter how Dan’s feeling currently, he’ll put on his YouTube mask for replies until he can disappear into the void away from social media again.

_Perf. Thx. Did u get my voicemail?_

Dan just replies with a thumb’s up emoji.

Well shit, that almost hurts as much as being left on read.

Phil drags himself out of bed and to the bathroom. He quickly showers and gets cleaned up for his night out. He makes sure to pocket his wallet before ordering an Uber and going downstairs to his parents.

“You sure you don’t want a ride into the city, dear?”

“Thanks mum, but I’m alright.”

“Will you be home tonight?”

“Probably. Depends how the night goes, I guess. Might crash at someone’s flat. Might show up here at 4am. Only time will tell where the night takes me.” Phil smiles as Kath elbows him in the gut.

“Don’t be a smartass. Just let me know so your poor elderly mother isn’t worrying all night.”

“Mum, I haven’t lived at home in ages. There’s no need to worry.”

This time she smacks his chest playfully. “I always worry about my baby. You’ll understand someday.”

“When I’m a Mama Bear like you?”

Kath grins and reaches up to pinch his cheek. “Exactly.”

After a quick kiss on the cheek goodbye, he heads out for the night.

\--

Too many of them are sitting around a table much too small. The pub doesn’t smell pleasant and being squished up next to his mates makes it very clear who showers more regularly. They exchange stories and adventures, a lot of them focused around Phil’s tour.

“Who’da thought it’d be Lesty bein’ world famous!”

Phil flushes and shakes his head. Sure, they travelled the world and had many, many shows, but that doesn’t make him world famous. He’s just Phil.

“Wasn’t all great. Exhausting as hell. And being trapped with the same people for 5 months gets irritating.”

“You make fuckin’ millions, mate! All that other shit doesn’t matter!”

Sure, Phil has a good income. Significantly higher than his friends, but it isn’t as much as everyone thinks. Even on tour, they didn’t make as much money as everyone thinks they did. Once you factor in hotels for the entire crew, renting the venue, flights for the entire crew, all the crew’s paychecks, the tour buses for the crew and trailers for the set. It wasn’t necessary, but they also paid for the gas for the trailers and tour buses. Plus, like, a million other factors outside of tour like the IRL Company offices they rent, paying their employees in the office, other properties they own, security while on tour, and just…so many other behind-the-scenes things that would take too much time for him to go into. So, he just smiles. “Guess it doesn’t matter.”

“Where’s loverboy anyways?” One asks from across the table.

Phil lifts his fruity cocktail and takes a long sip before deciding how to answer. “Didn’t come this time. He’s uh, away. Made other plans.”

They all look at him suspiciously. Usually Dan’s attached to Phil at the hip, especially when they go up north and Dan’s out of his comfort zone.

“Since when do y’all do things separately?”

Phil offers a tight smile. “Sometimes things come up.”

Ian leans in a bit closer, and Phil’s hates the way that Ian still knows him so well. “Lester, did y’all split?”

Phil sips his drink again, wishing he’d somehow drown in it. “No. No, we didn’t…We aren’t splitting up. Things are just…difficult right now.”

“Where is he?”

“That’s a great question. I’ll let you know when I find out.” He mumbles bitterly.

“Shit Lest, sorry we didn’t realize sooner. Anything we can do?”

“No, really, I’m okay. I just wanna relax with my mates and have a few drinks.”

“Fuck that, we’re doing shots.” One friend gets up and goes to the bar before anyone can argue.

“Doesn’t he have like, a wife and kids to go home to tonight?” One chimes in, and the table erupts into laughter and falls back into casual conversations.

His friends didn’t lie though. They did shots. More shots than Phil can remember doing in the last 5 years. Once he’s finished the ordered shots and finishes off his fruity cocktail, he excuses himself to the loo.

His head is spinning, but he manages to make it to the restroom. He’s startled when he sees a man with off-white face paint, fake blood, slicked back hair, a black cape and fangs standing at the urinal. He stares, trying to wrap his head around the situation.

Mr. Vampire chuckles and glances back at Phil before returning his focus to the urinal. “If you stare more than 5 seconds you have to buy me a drink. Drink for Dink.”

Phil is silent for a few more seconds before blinding and shaking his head. “I’m so confused…”

The man zips his fly and turns around, laughing. “Halloween, mate. I just came from a Halloween party.”

“Oh right, Halloween. Yes. That. Sorry, I really didn’t mean to stare. I was so confused.”

Dracula let his eyes rake up and down Phil’s body. “Understandable. You still owe me that drink though.” He has the slightest smirk playing on his lips, and Phil feels his face flush.

“Sure, of course. I really needa wee first, though.”

The man washes his hands and then claps Phil on the shoulder. “I’ll be by the bar.” Phil watches as he winks and then walks out, cape flowing behind him.

Phil goes into a stall to piss, always feeling too exposed and insecure using a urinal. His mind is wheeling.

Was Dracula hitting on him? Is that what it feels like to be…flirted with?

His stomach feels fuzzy, and he doesn’t think it’s just the alcohol.

When he finishes up and heads back out of the pub, he looks over at the table of his friends before letting his eyes scan the bar, landing on Dracula. He’s making small conversation with the bartender, and Phil feels funny again, but this time it feels wrong. Unpleasant, like he’s doing something bad.

Phil quickly heads to the front entrance of the pub and steps out into the cool October air. He walks down the street for a few minutes before stopping outside a closed shop and leans against it, pulling out his phone. There are no messages. There never are.

He rings Dan’s number.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Until finally Dan answers, his voice raspy and soft. “What?”

Phil rubs his face with his other hand, groaning. “Dan…Dan I fucked up. I know I did. I know I’m overly attached and always hovering I just…Fuck Dan, I love you. I love you and I want you to come home a-and I want you to be okay again. I want us to be okay again…” He finishes quietly. He’s expecting Dan to just hang up on him, but he’s filled with relief when he doesn’t.

“Phil, we talked this through. You agreed to this and-”

“I only agreed to it because I knew it would make you happy.” Phil cuts in.

Dan continues on anyways, disregarding Phil. “-you know we need this. I need this. I love you too, but I feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe for months.”

“Tell me what to do then, Dan. Tell me what I need to do for you to come back home.” Phil pleads.

“We edited the movie. We’ve done a few live shows. We pre-recorded the Halloween videos. You’re out of London. I’m somewhere. Once you’re back in town, I want to spend November away. I’ll stop in for live shows occasionally, but beyond that, I’m having a break. _We_ are having a break.”

Phil feels his blood run cold. He’s heard stories of his friends with difficult relationships, and he’s seen _FRIENDS_. He knows what a break really means, he isn’t stupid.

“Who is he?”

“Excuse me?”

“Who are you seeing while we’re ‘on a break’, Dan? Who’s this wonderful man who you’re gonna replace me with for a little while until you’re forced to come back to work with me?”

“Are you even listening to yourself right now, Phil? I’ve put up with your clingy ass for a decade. You sound insane. This isn’t a Ross and Rachel break. This is a mental break from work and emails and the come down from tour. And from you, because you are connected to every single bit of those things.”

Phil slowly slides down the brick wall, sitting on the cold pavement with his knees to his chest. “What if you realize I’m not what you want anymore?” He asks insecurely. Truthfully, he doesn’t want to know the answer.

“I think that’s majorly impossible. You’re all I could ever ask for, I’m just sick of you right now.” Dan laughs sadly, Phil can practically hear the tears in his voice. “It could always go the other way too, y’know. You could finally realize how fucked up I am and move on without me holding you back.”

“110% impossible. I’m stuck to you for life.”

“Well, not legally…yet.”

“Yet.” Phil repeats back to him, softer.

“Enjoy your time up north. Enjoy seeing your mates and family and whatever else you bunch will get up to. There’s no reason to worry about me.”

“Can I…Can I at least know where you’re staying?”

Dan sighs loudly, and Phil can hear the familiar squeak of an air mattress as Dan rolls over. “Bry’s. Well, I’m probably gonna head to the flat in the morning for that pizza and have a decent shower and sleep, but it’s mostly just Bryony’s.”

Phil nods a bit, his brain starting to feel fuzzier. “Danny?” He softly whines.

“Mmhm, Philly?”

“Ian got me…I’m really drunk right now.”

Phil smiles just the slightest hearing a soft snort from Dan’s end. “Oh yeah, I’m sure it’s all Ian’s fault.”

“And Dracula hit on me in the bathroom. It was really, really weird.” Phil giggles, letting his eyes close, wishing he was back curled up on the couch in their flat with Dan in his lap.

“Oh no, I’m competing with Dracula now? How could I suck better than him?”

“You’re better. Probably. I don’t plan on testing that out and finding out for myself. I’m just gonna believe you’re better…”

Dan yawns softly. “Thanks. And…thanks for not testing that out. I know I’m being a prick, but please try to understand where I’m coming from.”

“You come from Reading. Or your dick. Depending what coming you’re talkin’ about.”

“For fucks sake Phil!” Dan muffles his laugh with his hand. “Go back to mum’s and go to sleep. You don’t need Ian getting you drunker or Dracula trying to suck you off. Say goodnight to your mates and take care of yourself.”

“Wish you could take care of me…” He mumbles.

“I’m barely taking care of myself right now. There’s no way I could handle the both of us.”

“Wouldn’t be handling both of us. You take care of me and I take care of you.” Phil yawns. “That’s how we work, Danny.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to take care of yourself for a while.”

There are a few moments of silence. Phil hates it and loves it. He loves that it reminds him of being home, sitting comfortably in silence, just enjoying each others presence. He hates that he knows this perfect bubble will burst soon.

“Don’t wanna hang up…” Phil mumbles.

“You gotta, Phil.”

“But that means you go away…”

“That’s just how things are right now.”

“Well I think it’s really, really, really stupid.”

“I’m gonna head to sleep Phil. Last gaming video is tomorrow and then you’re set to upload your video on Halloween, right?”

Phil whines. It isn’t the time to be talking about work. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. AmazingPhilly’s ready to burst all over the YouTubes.”

“No bursting. Just uploading and kindly popping up into subscription boxes.” A few more moments of silence pass. Phil’s brain hurts, and he feels mixed up and confused. “I love you Phil. I really do.”

“Love you too Danny…will you call me anymore? I miss your voice…”

“Uh…Maybe. Don’t hold your breath, though.”

“Don’t worry I won’t. I need to breathe to stay alive, dummy.”

Dan laughs softly. “Goodnight Phil.”

“Night Danny…”

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr @dip-the-pip


End file.
